32…you were my first FULL year of motherhood…and as someone mentioned along the way…you brought the longest days…yet fastest year of. my. life. I feel like I wrote 31 yesterday and 20 years ago, all at the same time. Luckily I have no beef with age. If I woke up 50 tomorrow, I’d give life a good ol’ pageant wave and a smile.
It’s hard to sum up a year of life but ironically there is always something that seems to stand out. The theme of this year…sit tight. Being a mother has forced me to stop forcing things. I’ve had to learn to just be. Luckily, I get to see exactly what that means through the observation of one, brand new, little life.
There are a few things I want SO bad (none of them material) that they have caused me to go through the last 14 years like a Tasmanian devil. Trying to get from point A to Z in the blink of an eye, because I will, I KNOW I will, make it to Z. However, with this approach, I’ve caused myself a LOT of unneccesary, heartache. Just to give you an idea, I have had 11 physical addresses in the last 5 years >:o BY CHOICE >:o
At my last address, when I officially took residence in the “just be” space (because I actually now know what that means — trust me — I thought I was be-ing all along when I was actually just busy) I took a deep breath and committed to not forcing any more outcomes. I even played Phillip Phillips “Home” and shed a few tears for God’s sake. This was a REAL ah ha moment for me.
But notice I use the phrase “LAST address” — and guess what…I’ll be seeing those annoying ass moving trucks again in 2 weeks! >:o >:o >:o
Turns out, this whole be-ing, sitting tight thing, doesn’t necessarily mean in one spot. For once, I do not WANT to go — and while we’re on the subject, I did not really WANT to come here — BUT– this is the direction of my life. This is be-ing.
In the past, I have fought direction for the sake of want. The old me would run myself into the ground chasing a vision. Currently, I have the white picket fence vision. It’s no accident though, that my old life was what it was. Clearly, it has prepared me for what lies ahead. Life, YOU are my all-time-favorite comedian. I must admit, those tears I shed to “Home” were because I thought I’d be staying in one spot for a while (signed, Captain Obvious). Now that I’m not, I want to shed some more (before editing, I even stuttered through that sentence, typing “some” twice, omG). But I won’t. Honestly. I now know, that it’s ok to make a decision with an outcome in mind but I’m also aware that it may not be THE outcome; THE outcome, you are what I’m after. I understand now that that’s where all the things I REALLY want reside.
Be-ing means letting what you want go out the window. It might even mean feeling like you never get what you want (scary). Underneath it all however, the true definition is believing in the process. 33, I have all the faith in the world in you. Emotionally, I am clinging to to this front door handle, but my bags are packet — and I am ready to go!