I am not quite sure what quitting feels like — and I am not looking to be sure — but, I do know what being suspended feels like…like the mystery fruit inside of a jello fruit salad…you wonder, what is it — how did it get like this — and is it worth a try?
That is how these last few years, made me look at life. Not just in response to the most obvious of challenges (the pandemic), but in response to robbery, cancer, death, and too many life-altering experiences to name. Collectively, they all did a number on me. Not even the closest people in my life know…b/c hell…even though it all happened to me…I still, do not, claim, to know.
All I can say, is that I’ve just been sitting here wondering:
What is it?
How did it get like this?
and…is it worth a try…
While this blog has been my therapy, for many years, it wasn’t enough for this phase of my life. Forgive the absence, but I needed professional help; I found professional help, and I am forever grateful!!!
It took an insurmountable, mountain of pain for me to acknowledge this, but I am sharing in hopes that even 1 person will be liberated to go out and find the help that they need. I am SUCH a different person and have acquired SO many new tools and skills to help me truly work through the difficulties in life…without avoiding them.
I have so much to share…many things I simply never hit publish on…because I didn’t know how to release the high expectations I had of myself…and just try.
So, with a guidepost, I began:
I tried growing a tree from a seed (2 of the 3 are still going strong :)).
I tried knitting a headband (I lost everything but the yarn after figuring out how to create my first row).
I tried painting with my son (we now have flower and alligator masterpieces, they are quite symbolic :D).
I tried skiing –again.
And more than anything, I tried resisting my inclination to make a way out of no way — and as life would have it — I found my way — I found my way back to me, to life, to something clear and recognizable.
I say all of this as I also sit here, on the other side of a 10 day fast. This is something I have done many times in the past, but could not seem to navigate once more. My numerous, failed, attempts became symbolic of a way to separate myself from the paralyzed state of existence that almost became my normal. Fasting is something that I have done many times yet I suddenly found myself struggling to honor the commitment time and time again. It became clear to me that trying wasn’t just about the novelties of life but about the unwavering pieces of who you are that life is trying to bury. The seeds…the creations…the masterpieces…the joy. They are all within you.
Crossing this familiar finish line was a major indicator to me, that I am no longer suspended, it is time to move on. I know it is no coincidence that, 10 represents testimony, because God knows I still have so much more to say…
Thank you for being a part of this journey; once again…the time is now!