You were the definition of a paradox.
I thought I’d seen tough times, but no — no — no, no, NO!
I thought I’d seen inordinate times, but — eh, eh.
You informed me — there’s more to this story.
There have been moments of desperation that bullied me out of character — I had to ask for help.
There have been moments of unspeakable excitement — that I had to keep to myself.
There have been well thought out plans — only to be cancelled.
There have been spontaneous events that outshone any (wo)man-made plans.
People I thought were committed walked away. Those I have overlooked — stepped up — in a big way.
I have had numerous moments of seeing my parents in my parenting.
The MBA that has consumed my life for the past 19 months — will be over in 5 days.
I found a diet that I LOVE.
Need I say more?
The lesson learned — stillness in the midst of the upmost uncertainty.
In the middle of dichotomies, I found peace.
My mind still turns at uncharted speeds — but I now have a fix for that — and most notably, I know when to champion my own intervention.
I take the time I deserve, and I no longer feel guilty when doing so requires a no, I can’t, or an I’m sorry to another request.
Why? Because push come-to-shove, those with their opinions, are not familiar with the battles I fight every day. They don’t understand my hopes, my dreams. They cannot see my vision — they cannot fuel the fire that keeps me burning — and they might be bitter to the bone, from losing their own sights, immersed in a medium of trying to please the world.
With all that said — no one cares.
No one cares about your personal battle(s). They are in the middle of their own. If they are not — they are in denial of their own. I am not calling people heartless, but self-absorption is surely in abundance. I know this for sure — and have for a long time — but what I have recently learned — what 34 so sensibly brought me — is how too…not to care.
That’s hard for a person that cares so intensely — hard AF to be exact.
Uncovering a theme?
I needed this year to truly articulate who I am, a delineation — I took pride in its allusiveness. But 34 revealed that if you reflect on the thoughts you customarily choose to avoid, you will discover what controls you, what is driving your behavior, your habits — and the best part — wherein lies the sweet spot — redemption.
What you are chasing is chasing you, but you have to learn to face it. We tend to turn our back to the storm, and run like hell towards the sun. Whether it be exhaustion or wisdom, I learned to abandon that philosophy. Purpose cannot flange up to a restless soul. Now, I am anchored fervently, indefinitely — if that’s what it takes — still, indestructible, and ready for you 35.