I had an opportunity to reflect recently that took me mentally back down many traveled roads. It was a roller coaster to say the least, but a solid reminder of why I started this journey. It’s been almost 10 years of reflecting, emotional deep dives, and sharing a little along the way. Let me recap for anyone wondering, what’s this ownandon stuff all about about:
Emotion freaked me out at a very early age. I had one hyper-sensitive parent and one unavailable parent. I would later learn that these are both different responses to the same issue (the inability to process emotions). My kid brain, just became super obsessed with logic. I joined clubs like Odyssey of the Mind as a 4th grader and in general made a point to win all the awards. I was a sponge, a true product of fruitful distractions. I lived to learn and detach, and that I did. As a result, I was recruited to the No. 1 Public High School by the age of 15. I now know I responded to that invitation with an emotional breakdown. I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time, but I ran out of that building in tears. It would take many more years for me to understand, that “that”, had a name. I had the credentials but I did not have the emotional tool set required to handle the feelings that a room full of strangers, combined with my parents saying goodbye, evoked. My response wasn’t self-doubt, it was self-destruction, which would be a constant in my life until I learned to transition from detached, to an attached way of life. Attached would challenge me to face emotion for the very first time. So I decided to begin, not really knowing what that meant.
I started with an account of my reality at the time and shared it with someone I trusted. Things were not what they seemed. I needed some time to “figure it out” (ha); he offered me that. Certainly, clarity and a clean slate were just around the bend. I left the day to day chaos of corporate America and the confusion of life in general behind in search of the vibrant, fulfilling, and satisfying one I’d always imagined. However, my path to self-discovery got interesting quickly. Almost immediately I found out I was pregnant. Talk about an attached life! I’ll never again doubt the power of intention. Now I needed to face the sounds of the heart strings not just for my own sake. I had to up my game quickly; I had to teach myself and another human how to be emotionally intelligent. Whoa. I started journaling, blogging, traveling, reflecting, attending seminars, challenging myself in any and every way. I didn’t just want a toolbox, I wanted an Amazon warehouse of equipment for navigating life. Eventually, I reeled in professionals because no matter how hard I tried, my default was to think not feel. Absorbing life like I wanted to, would require me to feel and then think. While difficult, I was committed. This series is where all of the self-doubt really crept in. I was in-my-feelings and life would give me extra credit with the anticipatory grief that comes with substance abuse, bankruptcy, single motherhood, the pandemic, a cancer diagnosis for one parent, and then the loss of the other. This next level commitment to ownership seemed like a hoax! Where was the exit strategy for adulting? (Major shout out to the professionals in this arena. I would never be where I am today without you!) With so much to manage year over year, emotional intelligence left me feeling overwhelmed and perpetually unsure of myself. I was taking my new found concepts of ownership, to an extreme. I owned everything! Whether it was my responsibility or not, whether it resonated with me or not. I owned all the emotions, in every setting. I’ll take that S on my chest – you better! The irony was, that S stood for STRESSED. It’s no way to live and if you find yourself there right now, I promise, there’s a better way.
The only way I moved beyond this phase of self-doubt, was learning that I could tune out the noisy feelings. The proper name for this is emotional regulation, but ultimately what it means is that you can acknowledge a feeling, without receiving it. It’s like tuning an instrument. You notice something off and you tune it out. This is very different than being numb, emotionally unavailable, or reactive. You have to know what resonates with who you are and what does not. When something doesn’t, you throw it out. I have a very simple mental trick that I do today in conversations with people when they throw something out that triggers a negative emotion. If I know what they’re saying conflicts with who I am, I imagine myself catching the dart mid-air and throwing it right back at them. I don’t receive it. It’s not mine and I let them hang on to it. I prefer the word clear over confident at this stage of life. I seek out the creators and try to demo an alternative for the critics. The quest was never in some unseen corner of the world. However, I am telling you this part of the story now because I do not want there to be any confusion – I was not born this way. It took a lot of detours and a lot of conversations with God. I don’t want to create the illusion that any of this should be obvious or come naturally but I hope you find it helpful and most of all I hope you give yourself the credit that you deserve. Own whatever it is that you have to offer this world and go get on with offering it! God and all that’s been created, is waiting on you! You don’t need people that don’t believe in themselves to believe in you. You believe in you. Start there, and then go get it done friend. Call me when it’s done. Tootles for now!
Own and On 